I'm a screw up

I don't know what it is about me thinking I have to be transparent on this blog. I think part of my reasoning is because so often people don't talk about things that they should, especially in the church and among Christians. So, this is another post that I question before posting but it's on my mind and my heart so here it is.

I had two other posts today that I decided I should just delete as I was complaining about my day that just seemed so terrible. I'd like to say that it had nothing to do with my attitude and everything to be with my childrens' behavior but that wouldn't be the case. Yes, my children (one in particular - can you guess who?) had some obedience issues but I think things were probably escalated by my crappy attitude and quick temper. By the end of the day I felt like the world's worst mother. I had said some things I regretted and acted like I wish I hadn't. Not very mother-like. It sucked.

I'm sure everyone struggles with anger issues at times but I hate that I struggle like that with my kids. Morgan is old enough that I am seeing some of my previous actions come back at me and I feel bad. I am the adult here and I need to be able to control my actions & words long enough to not scar my kids because I have issues. I need to be teaching them the appropriate way to respond to things when we are upset and angry. I need to be teaching them godly values and I fail so very often. I often wonder if I am going to screw my kids up permanently.

Can I stop here to make something very clear (just in case you are wondering): NO, I am not abusive with my kids. While I do get upset and angry, I am adult enough to control myself in that way. Today there were two times when Drew deserved a spanking and yet I did not give him one because I would be spanking him while I was angry and that is NOT EVER acceptable. He was placed in his room and I went an cooled off before talking to him.

I wasn't raised in a Christian home, I don't have a good idea of what it is supposed to look like. I desperately want my children to learn about Jesus, invite him into their hearts and follow after Him with zeal and passion. As a parent I am charged with teaching my child right from wrong and most importantly, I am charged with teaching my children about the Lord. So hard to do when I am such a screw up myself.

That said, I know that we serve a God that can move mountains, raise the dead, part the seas and save my soul from it's rightful place in hell, surely He can redeem the times that I have screwed up with my children and help me in this adventure called parenting.

Lord, please help me to be a mom who is loving and uses self-control with her children. Help me to show them how much you love them and long to know them. Please redeem the time that I 've screwed up and protect their tender hearts.