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There are several things I'd like to post about that have been running through my mind but I'm just stuck on one at the moment. I hesitate to even bother posting because quite frankly I am in one heck of a foul mood and frustrated beyond belief. Maybe someone out there in cyberspace has some helpful advice for me, I don't know.

Truthfully, I have been in a bit of a funk lately when it comes to my second child and first boy, Drew. He's my "spirited" child and can be a real handful. He's also very sweet and tender-hearted. I don't know what has happened but in the past week or so he's gotten 10 times worse. The kid is seriously driving me nuts and I find myself struggling to even be nice to him. What kind of mom am I to even say that?

I struggle because he needs a lot of attention. I wish he was old enough for organized sports because the kid seriously needs a big physical outlet for all his energy. There is only so much we can get out around the house and only so much I can go do with a 1 year old in tow as well.

This morning after we got back from the Y was great. Owen went down for a nap and Drew & I did nothing but play. He was very well behaved and we had a GREAT time. I go pick Morgan up and we come home and all hell breaks loose.

I wanted just a few minutes to sit and relax and I just wanted the kids to play on their own (with each other or by themselves) for about 30-40 minutes. Not possible with Drew. He is unable to play by himself or even with others in an unstructured way without getting into trouble. He is mean to Morgan & Owen, usually physically, and seems to actively look for ways to irritate me. He seriously does stuff that he knows is wrong on purpose. I get that "smile" - you kniow the one, the "I-am-going-to-do-something-to-make-you-upset-and-I-love-it" smile - the devilish grin. WHY? WHY? WHY?

I can't entertain this kid all day long. He needs to be able to play by himself or with his siblings without getting into trouble. How can I teach him that and not go stark raving mad?

I have THREE kids to balance, I can't give all my undivided attention to Drew all the time, it's not healthy for the other kids who also need my attention. I also have a house to maintain and I am finding that near impossible. I try to clean up the kitchen and Drew is terrorizing one of his siblings or tearing up something and I won't even go into Owen, that's a whole nother post. It infuriates me. I could seriously give this kid spankings all day long and he'd deserve every one of them.

While I am a mom, I am also a wife and to be honest, by the time Eric comes home I have no energy left to spend time with him. I am physically and emotionally spent and just worn out.

I feel like crap as a mom right now. I truly do. I get so angry with Drew and it overflows to the other children. I think I just sat down and started crying on them twice today out of anger and frustration - I'm crying right now just thinking about it.

I need to go back and reread some of the parenting book we went through. Honestly, I'd give anything to be able to be back in that class with the Shigley's right now. I miss it as going each week and hearing them talk about how the stuff has applied to their life with 7 kids really encouraged me in my parenting. The class really helped me focus and helped Eric & I stay on the same page in regards to how to parent our children. It was also nice to talk about things with others who were trying to apply the same principles in their home.

In the midst of it all today God did give me one thought though. He's my Father and I am His child and He is trying to teach me things all the time and I screw up, I don't get it or I am willfully disobedient. Does He respond to me the way I often respond to Drew? Absolutely not. What kind of picture of Christ am I teaching my son? It's encouraging and it's depressing all at the same time.