Please forgive me.

Do you ever have one of those moments where the lights just go on and suddenly you see something clearer than you've seen it before?

I have to tell you, I had one of those experiences tonight and it doesn't make me very happy with myself. Actually, I'm quite irritated with myself because I just realized how big a hypocrite I really am.

Stay with me here.

Matthew 18:21-35 tells the story of a man who owed the king a large debt. The slave begged the king to let him pay the debt and the king, knowing that the slave didn't have the money to repay him, forgave the large debt. The slave left and ran into someone who owed him money. This person begged him just like he had begged the king. Instead of forgiving the debt, the slave got mean about it. The king heard what happened and wasn't happy.

"Then summoning him, his Lord said to him, 'You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you entreated me. Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, even as I had mercy on you?' And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him. So shall My heavenly Father also do to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart" (vv. 33-35).

I claim to follow Christ and I tell people that He loves them and forgives them yet I realized tonight that I have been carrying some unforgiveness in my heart toward someone for almost 1.5 years. If asked, I would have said that I forgave this person (people) but that I was holding myself back because I just didn't want to get hurt again - it wasn't really unforgiveness but self preservation. That was a load of crap.

My God saved me and forgave me of all my sins, a huge debt that there was no way I could re-pay, and yet I wouldn't forgive these people for what happened between us several years ago. See any similarities?

I have a huge sense of justice and fair-play and when I think that things are wrong, or I am utterly convinced that I am right, I don't want to give in. The idea of forgiving someone and asking them to forgive me makes me feel like I'm admitting they were right and I was wrong, and well, there are times when I just don't want to go there.

At the beginning of this story we find Peter asking Jesus how many times should he forgive a brother that sins against him - seven times? Jesus responds as follows in v. 22, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."

There shouldn't be a limit to the number of times we'll forgive someone. We shouldn't say that we've been hurt one too many times so we are done. I said I was done and totally disengaged from a relationship that I shouldn't have for selfish reasons. What a great picture of Christ I painted for these people.

I know this person reads this blog and I'm sorry for not truly forgiving you before now and I ask that you forgive me for how I've treated you & your family this past year & a half.

Let's start over little sis.